Porn is the Substitute Teacher who Puts on a Movie and Takes a Nap

You might learn something. It might even be correct. If you ask a question, Porn might wake up and answer. But more likely you’ll whisper to a friend and BreastMilker4000 will ask if you’re DTF in the comments.

I was reading spanking erotica recently and in the same story I came across:

• Asshole behavior being described as bratting
• Non-consenting witnesses
• Forced to take spanking from a stranger

That’s all pretty common in spanking porn. As long a it’s fantasy, I don’t mind suspending my disbelief and letting myself get lost in that fantasy every now and then. But it’s generally a turn-off for me. Whenever I’m reading erotica that violates boundaries I practice, I have to write a prequel in my head to justify the behavior.

So, in this world, everyone consents to spanking as a form of discipline and it’s extremely common to witness discipline or be asked to assist in its delivery.

Once I’ve created that little consent prequel, I can let myself sink into the story without feeling icky.

But what if I didn’t have baseline education on BDSM or a clear understanding of my own limits and boundaries? And what if I consume this media repeatedly when I’m young? (young by experience, not necessarily age)

Well, for me, I ended up in some pretty dangerous and abusive situations that took me years to heal from before I could even think about entering into another power exchange dynamic.

I hate that it’s so common to end up in those situations, often due to the censorship in real life around fetish and even just sex. We don’t know how to or who to ask questions. We’re left to fend for ourselves and unless we get lucky and find the right people, we will often have to learn the hard way from the wrong people.

While I do still enjoy getting lost in fantasy erotica and porn, I now find myself gravitating towards the couples with amateur porn experience, but a lot of experience with their partner and their dynamic. The stories that you can sense are real, because they are. The videos I favorite on SpankingTube are not great quality; they often don’t have multiple angles or good sound, but the couple is real. The punishment is real. The trust is real.

I wish I had more of that realness as a young s-type. It’s why I write from my dynamic, why I seek out real dynamics.

I learned from porn and erotic fiction. And I had to spend a long time unlearning it, educating myself on all of the work it takes to safely reach a certain point in a dynamic. I’m finally at the point I wanted to be at with @SirChefDaddy. But it took us years of building a vanilla foundation and nurturing our relationship before investing in our D/s dynamic.

Sometimes I wonder, if I had known what I know now, would it have taken as long to reach this point? I think it will be easier for folks now than it was for me — I grew up in the one desktop computer per household and razor flip phone era. It was hard to find resources, let alone good ones. I think that problem still exists today, just in a different way. Now, we are oversaturated with resources and it’s still hard to find reputable sources.

Joining FetLife, for example. You could fall into a sketchy activity feed depending on who you follow. And what if you don’t know any better?

I don’t have a solution. But in my opinion, I don’t think the solution is banning porn or expecting people to stop consuming it.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said ‘Stop Watching Porn. Stop Normalizing Abuse.’

It may be something you as an individual practice and I respect that, but it just seems unrealistic for a population. If I had to think of a place to start, it would be active sex education. Actively providing the right resources instead of passively hoping folks stumble across them. Better regulation and transparency instead of censorship and banning.

I’m just thinking out loud, but if anyone wants to expand on the topic or add their thoughts I’m happy to do so in the comments.